Comparison is a death knell to sibling harmony. – Elizabeth Fishel
(Part 2)
I WILL conclude my article related to sibling rivalry. Behavioural research have shown that emotion-based sibling rivalry is the struggle to gain attention and love from parents that was missing during childhood. The adult child’s actions and behaviors are directed toward gaining approval and recognition from his or her parent. This need may continue psychologically even after the death of the parent. Rather than having a strong foundation for their own self-esteem, these adult children continue their emotional craving for and dependence upon their parents’ approval.
Because emotion-driven sibling rivalry is rooted in problems of self-esteem, the primary solution must be built on methods that encourage the adult development and individual maturity of each of the siblings. One must recognize that the primary problem is not, in fact, between the siblings, but rather between each child and their need for recognition from his or her parent. The real problem lies between the parent and child, not between the siblings. Consequently, the solution is not working with the sibling relationship, but with the relationship between the adult-child and the parent.
Strategic rivalry
The second type of sibling rivalry is rooted in conflict over business styles and strategies rather than family emotions. While emotion-based rivalry is really about the child and the parent, strategy-based rivalry is really about the siblings. Frequently, such strategic conflict is driven by differences in personality concerning levels of financial risk. Strategic conflict among siblings has a very different emotional content than the struggle of rivalry for parental attention.
Solutions to strategic rivalry are difficult, but require business solutions, rather than psychological growth. Siblings need to develop their strategic planning, carry out good financial analysis, and explore alternative methods for ownership as business partners.
Finding solutions
Businesses are often defeated by competitors when siblings battle emotionally against one another using the weapons of business strategy. When sibling conflict creates tensions within your family and business environment, make sure you first define the real underlying problem: is the core of the rivalry emotional or strategic? Then take the proper course of action consistent with the real issues.
If family partners in the business have each achieved their own emotional maturity, and are no longer dependent on parental approval to feel good about themselves, then strategic business alternatives and conflicts are much easier to resolve. Facilitated business meetings among sibling teams or cousin consortiums is critical for finding a workable solution.
As a business coach and consultant to family firms, one of my most rewarding experiences has been to sit down with brothers and sisters as they re-negotiate the old rivalries, the old stereotypes from childhood. Usually this has happened after the unexpected death of a parent, when sibs are suddenly forced to make major decisions without Dad (the mediating middle son all his life) in the room. It is wonderful to see sibs – who assume that they already know all about each other – reach beyond the rhetoric of football and low-fat recipes, and enjoy the surprise of meeting their brothers and sisters for the first time as adults, equals now, but with an extraordinary bond, which can’t really be duplicated in any other relationship.
The development of a Family Forum, usually with the assistance of an expert in healthy family process and conflict-resolution, remains the most practical way to develop family agreement around succession planning, hiring standards for family members, stock distribution, and other hot topics. Dealing directly with these issues in advance in an organized forum remains the best insurance policy against sibling or cousin rivalry disrupting the family firm.
Another sensible recommendation for siblings who are in business together is to not work in the same functional area. The classic case study for this is the massive fallout between the two sons of the billion-dollar Reliance Industries, who both had undergraduate technical degrees and MBAs from top 5 business schools. The extent of their disagreements was such that the business had to be divided in half.
Other methods include having siblings not report to a parent. This divorces the emotional aspect of the business relationship. However, it also requires a strong and empowered manager to effectively manage the owner’s children.
If siblings, especially those who need to make consistently good decisions together in the family business, can re-define their adult relationships based on the current realities, the adult bond between siblings can truly become profound. They will rediscover that they share not only bloodlines and a stake in the family business, but a lifetime of irreplaceable experiences. Linda Silber, Ph.D. of Silber Psychological Services looks at it this way: “Sibling rivalry is essential to personal development. It is the place where people first learn to share, take turns, negotiate and compromise.”
***
Prof. Soriano is the chairperson of the Marketing Cluster of the Ateneo Graduate School of Business. He is also a Senior Consultant of Wong+Bernstein Business Advisory Group. For comments, send email at [email protected]
