YUP, you’re right! It is difficult, indeed, to please everyone.
Each day comes with challenges. We work with people, we move around people. Interaction with others is so much inevitable. We cannot do without others in this game called life. We simply have NO CHOICE but to co-exist with other human beings.
But have you really thought hard enough about why we keep on pleasing others? Why we try to “fit in” or simply go with what the majority wants? There are several reasons why we try to please everyone: fear, apprehension, and hesitancy, perhaps?
People who conform or please everyone do this as a means of survival. They don’t rock boats so that their comfort zones are not compromised. They simply want people to pose no danger or threat to their “secure” environments. People who conform just exist. They don’t make strong statements or moves to disrupt the equilibrium they are in. They play safe all the time to survive in the jungle they are in.
Lolita is a pretty, married businesswoman and a very successful one. She tries to please everyone – fearing that if she turns someone down, they will badmouth her. Saying ‘NO’ is a risk because people might get hurt.
Like a true ambassadress of smiles and goodwill, she moved around society pleasing everyone so that no one will ever try to do one over or criticize her. She was well-known to different organizations and in the business circle as a very nice and accommodating lady. The only people who would correct and tell her of her wrongdoings were just a handful of friends. Most of the people she knew, praised her to the heavens and she got lost amidst the diversity and anonymity of people.
Despite the fact that she tried to please everyone, “ingrates” and “scheming” personalities moved around her. Men who tried to be nice to her had ill intentions and took advantage of her so-called “kindness.” Unmindful of the warnings her true friends gave her, she still decided to be nice to them, thinking that her kindness could not be possibly be reciprocated with ill intentions.
But they did. Her real friends warned her of the consequences. But she just had to be nice. The result? She got entangled in the intricacies of these men, and her name often caught up with their philandering and fooling around tactics. Jealous wives and women questioned her friendship with these scheming men.
And yet, her faithful friends stood up and shielded her from the ire of the wives and girlfriends. Then again, instead of moving away from these complicated men who seemed to be nice to her for some material considerations, she still kept them up her sleeve, afraid that she would hurt their feelings.
While continuing the friendship with these “superficial” male friends, intrigues still hounded her. People often wondered about her relationship with these men. It was inevitable… up to now, she still carries intrigue around her and sooner or later, her husband will be in the loop.
Lesson No. 1: Don’t please everyone because there are some who will try to get one over you because of vested interests. People can also misconstrue your being “kind” and nice to these people as having a liking to them. Your reputation, in turn, can be blemished and your relationships can be threatened.
Lesson No. 2: Pleasing everyone does not please everyone, too. You disappoint and lose your truly good friends along the way. You will frustrate them.
People pleasing has its advantages — you can get what you need. But on the other hand, the experience can be heartbreaking, too. Learn from it. Some people have trauma or fears. Rejection is an experience that can be both humiliating and can affect self-respect. Perhaps it is another reason why pleasing everyone seems to be safe and right. There is a pressing need to be accepted.
Billy is a regular call center agent. He aims to “belong” by trying to accommodate everyone. At home, he does the majority of the household chores even if he comes home tired from work. His siblings take their chores for granted because Billy would take charge and say nothing at all.
At work, Billy strives to do his best. He would accommodate anything and everything that is asked of him. Having a good command of English and can perfectly compose letters, Billy has done most of his team leader’s reports which the latter always gets credit for.
With friends, he would always be the “taya” most of the time. Earning a little bit more than his friends, it had been a “usual” for Billy to take more than half of the bill when they go out to dine and wine. He didn’t mind it, though, because he knew he was earning more than the rest.
Why was Billy trying to accommodate everyone? During growing up years, Billy was often left out by friends. They found him too much of an eager beaver, tailgating kids his age just to join them in activities. He was also very effeminate that boys scowl at his being gay. Left alone most of the time, Billy vowed that someday people will be nice and need him very badly.
So he began to be extra pleasant to people, often giving in to their requests or favors. He would work on his days off just to fill in for people taking leave. Oh, how people loved him! One by one, they were at his back, asking him to do this and that! Billy felt so loved and wanted. He pleased everyone.
One day, Billy forgot to do an errand for his supervisor/friend because he woke up late and on the wrong side of the bed. Upon waking, his mother harped on his failure to cook for the evening. From the bedroom to the bathroom then finally at the door, his mom nagged him to fix his schedule so that he doesn’t forget his chores. One day… it was just a day of not being able to fix dinner! Billy rushed to get to work.
Already running late, Billy had to take a cab instead of taking the jeepney. So he forgot to pick up the coat of his supervisor at the laundry shop near the jeepney terminal. “Never mind,” Billy thought. “He would understand and besides so much had been done for him.”
He came in late by 15 minutes, and there was his supervisor waiting, and asked for his coat. Billy immediately apologized that he had no time at all to pass by the laundry shop because he wasn’t feeling well and overslept. Immediately, the supervisor turned his back against Billy and headed for his cubicle. Billy felt his irritation but he consoled himself and said “Nah. He will not get mad at me because I had been too nice to him from the start”.
After a full 10 minutes, while Billy was in the huff and tuff of his calls, the supervisor handed him a memo reprimanding him of his “lateness.” Surprised with the move, Billy couldn’t believe that his supervisor could be so vengeful with such a small offense and for that matter his first time in two years to be tardy!
Billy approached his supervisor-friend and asked that the memo be reconsidered since it will form part of his negative employment file and will affect his rating. His supervisor/friend simply looked at him and said, “rules are rules and you committed an offense.” Softy, Billy reasoned out that a first offense does not merit a memo yet. To this, the supervisor/friend just turned his back and walked away.
It was such a frustrating day for Billy that he decided to go out with friends after work. He just had to talk to the very friends who hang out with him. He called all three of them and asked for moral support and offered to foot the bill since he simply wanted to talk. Not one answered yes…instead, they had their own reasons for not being available. Billy felt rejection. He had a triple whammy in a day and no one wanted to be with him at his lowest point.
“I had given everything! Isn’t it enough? Do they want my heart and soul as well? It can be frustrating!” These are the very thoughts that flooded Billy’s mind. He had tried to please everyone but to no avail. He still experienced rejection.
Lesson No. 3: Pleasing everyone is not a 100 percent guarantee that you will not be rejected again. The more you please, the greater their expectations become and eventually it will be difficult to keep up with their demands.
(Lessons 4 and 5 to be continued in the next column)
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Stargazer is a life coach, aura reader, psychic/clairvoyant, and lecturer on the paranormal. She uses the aura, energies & vibrations as focal points of her psychic readings. Using several techniques involving the psychological, spiritual, paranormal and her own experience of the intricacies of life, Stargazer makes one get in touch with his inner and understand life in a positive manner. Faith in God and belief in self is what Stargazer emphasizes on. Currently, Stargazer is a radio anchor of DZMM Teleradyo, the radio arm of ABS-CBN. Her show “Pinoy Vibes” has been airing every Sunday morning since Sept. 2007. She can be reached at [email protected]. For more information, please visit http://stargazer.ph/.
