A WHILE back, I wrote about the dilemma many Filipinos face as they raise their young children in America. Many of us who grew up in the Philippines shared the common experience of “tough love” — our parents used corporal punishment to discipline us, and help us respect authority and conform to the rules of the house.
When we relocated to America and raised our own children, we experienced culture shock. We were forced by circumstances to come to terms with the fact that society would prevent us from imposing the same approach of communicating with and disciplining our kids the way our parents and grandparents raised us.
What we know as “tough love” can be deemed as child abuse in many parts of America. We are left lost, confused, and perplexed about what to do. In many cases, our own children, or their school teachers, the social worker, the parish priest, the hospital staff, the neighbors — they all push us to reconsider our own parenting styles.
I received so many passionate comments from our kababayans about this topic. They all requested not to be identified because of the personal and sensitive nature of the issue.
ML wrote:
I am very critical about parents hitting their children. That’s not tough love. That’s destructive. You’re teaching your kids the wrong values. And the negative memories created by your so-called tough love will only serve to alienate your kids from you.
Tough love can be delivered in a manner that does not involve physical or emotional harm to the child. Tough love can mean letting your kids make their own mistakes and letting them learn their lessons on their own. Tough love can also mean treating your child as an adult and talking to them with the same sincerity you expect to be shown unto you.
But it is important that you treat your children with the same respect that you would expect from them. “Love as a two-way street” also applies to all forms of relationships, not just romantic ones.
Sincere and mature conversations with your children, no matter how old they are will ultimately help engender a strong bond between the two of you.
AMLV wrote:
I believe in tough love. I know many parents in America hesitate to use this that is why many kids here are brats. Walang kinatatakutan. I do not want that to happen to my children. Kaya ako, sinasaran ko ang lahat ng binatan saka ko pinapalo ang anak ko para madisiplina. I do not mean to inflict any grave harm on my kid, but I have to impose my parental authority so that early on in life, my child will learn how to conform to rules. Otherwise, kids will grow up thinking they are above the law. kaya maraming juvenile delinquents ngayon. Kaya para sa akin, tama lang na makatikim ng palo ang mga bata. Pasasalamatan nila tayo pag laki nila.
MPCL wrote:
Spare the rod and spoil the child. I am a Christian and I go by what is written in the bible.
“Don’t fail to correct your children. They won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death” (Proverbs 23:13-14)
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)
SGP wrote:
I grew up being spanked and I resented my parents for doing that, although I know how important it is to discipline kids. I heard about “time outs”. I use this with my kids now. Beginning their toddler years, I make them stand in the corner if they misbehave or throw temper tantrums. I leave them in their “corner” for a few minutes until they calm down. Then when they are tired of their tantrums, I talk to them and hug them.
I read recently that this “time out” may also hurt kids emotionally and psychologically. But I think so long as kids know they are loved, and that the time out was just a repercussion for their misbehavior, then this technique will work well. Just do not make the time out too long especially for younger kids. Kids need to know that every action has consequences. This is the key to learning.
Consequences of time-out
I also read about the consequences of time-out from the article “The Disadvantages of Time-Out” by Aletha Solter, Ph.D. from Mothering magazine (1992, 2000). The author likewise presents alternatives to time-out and spanking in disciplining children. You decide whichever works for you in disciplining your own kids:
“The use of time-out leads to a host of hidden problems. For one, when we enforce a time-out for children who are crying or raging, they get the message that we do not want to be around them when they are upset. Certain that we will not listen, they may soon stop bringing their problems to us.
Furthermore, such children may learn to suppress their feelings, especially if we insist on time-out in silence. Have we forgotten that crying and raging are healthy tension-release mechanisms that help relieve sadness and frustration? Have we ignored the research showing that stress hormones are excreted through tears, thereby possibly reducing the effects of stress and restoring the body’s chemical balance?. In teaching our children to suppress their tears, we may actually be increasing their susceptibility to a variety of emotional and physical imbalances. Swiss psychotherapist Dr. Alice Miller states that one of the most devastating things we do to children is deny them the freedom to express their anger and suffering.
An additional problem is that the use of time-out does not address the underlying cause of the “inappropriate behavior.” Children act in specific ways for good reasons, even though the youngsters themselves may not be aware of them. Most undesirable behavior can be explained by one of three factors: the child is attempting to fulfill a legitimate need, the child lacks information or is too young to understand, or the child is feeling upset (frustrated, sad, scared, confused, jealous, or insecure). When we try to change a behavior without addressing these feelings and needs, we do not help our children very much at all. Why? Because the underlying problem will still be there. Teaching children to conform to our wishes does not resolve the deeper issues.
For example, siblings who are repeatedly separated and sent to their rooms when they fight may eventually learn to stop fighting in front of their parents. Their unresolved feelings of jealousy and hatred, however, may come to expression in more devious ways, or they may carry their resentments into adulthood. Curtailing the symptoms of a problem does not solve the problem.
Parents have been led to believe that children will use time-out to think about what they did and regain some modicum of self-control. In reality, when children act in inappropriate, aggressive, or obnoxious ways, they are often harboring such strong pent-up feelings that they are unable to think clearly about their actions. Far more helpful than isolation is an attentive listener who can encourage the expression of honest feelings. The healthy release provided by talking, crying, or raging may even prevent the recurrence of unwanted behavior.
Holding children who hit or bite is much more effective than isolating them. Firm but loving holding creates safety and warmth while protecting other children from getting hurt. It also invites the expression of genuine feelings (through crying and raging) while reassuring the child of the indestructible parent-child bond. It is paradoxical, yet true: children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving of it. Telling a violent child to sit quietly rarely accomplishes anything constructive and only further contributes to the child’s pent-up anger and feelings of alienation.
It is not necessary to isolate children and withdraw our love to teach them how to “behave”. In fact, it is entirely possible to help children learn to be cooperative and decent members of society without ever issuing punishments, rewards, or artificial consequences of any kind. No quick and easy method will solve every conflict. Instead, we need to treat each situation as the unique challenge that it is, and try to be flexible and creative, all the while giving our children the love and respect they deserve.”
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Gel Santos Relos is the anchor of TFC’s “Balitang America.” Views and opinions expressed by the author in this column are are solely those of the author and not of Asian Journal and ABS-CBN-TFC. For comments, go to www.TheFil-AmPerspective.com, https://www.facebook.com/Gel.Santos.Relos
